As we are getting closer to our Togo departure date, I am getting more and more excited to arrive in Canada. Not just for the obvious reasons either. Sure I miss people and Ibrahim and I are excited about our little pineapple making an appearance out of the womb but also because this trip isn’t filled with anxiety and hurt like our last one was.

What I haven’t been so open about during my first missionary years is how challenging it has been on my mental health. So many things have happened where the enemy was really trying to bring me into darkness and sadly sometimes succeeded through depression and mostly through anxiety. I wasn’t fast enough to notice the signs as I was so distracted by the needs around me as well as the ways my family was suffering with their own situations in Canada – far away from where I could be any physical help to them.

My father’s death also didn’t help matters either. Hearing the word “suicide”, seeing TV shows talking about suicide or hearing people on TV saying “go kill yourself” among the simple sight of a bridge was all triggering to the emotions that I had (and sometimes still do) about dad’s death. Depression is a silent illness that causes many deaths – where suicide does not. I still try to intentionally speak about my father’s death as “death by depression” and escape the other terms as I believe society needs to see things through different lenses than what the media portrays. I’m sure others who have lost a loved one to depression can relate to what I’m saying – at least I hope that they can.

Now I’m not saying all of this to bring you down but to bring to light of what I was dealing with during our last voyage home to Canada. I was still dealing with a lot of hurt regarding my father’s death and seeing the effects it had on my family. On top of this, I was dealing with a lot of things that God revealed to me in the culture I was coming from in West Africa. I was coming from a place where I felt isolated as I had to restart life and in my mind everything was involving work and helping others meanwhile forgetting about myself and my own needs to keep me healthy. I barely had any friends, Ibrahim was my all and although he was always so kind and understanding through it all, I know I was putting a lot of pressure on him through my anxiety.

I couldn’t even go outside alone. I didn’t like to be alone for too long or around friends. I constantly just felt like hiding.

Somewhere in this journey, I had lost myself. The more I realised the amount of joy that had escaped me and how much stress I was carrying, I could hear my earthly father’s voice repeating to me “Sara, you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first”. I would always reply to him saying “yah, yah, Dad. I know.” meanwhile I had no idea how to take care of myself. I let myself get too distracted from my surroundings and now my Heavenly Father was echoing words to me from my earthly father. It’s actually pretty amazing to think about now.

BUT – the point of all of this is that … where there is darkness there is always light!!!

The amount of healing I have experienced throughout this past year and even more during these last few months during pregnancy is incredible. Just over a year ago I was so anxious in any conversations around me and I grew to be so awkward in things that I use to be “good” at. I felt as if I had lost myself completely and although I still enjoy my alone time, I am no longer fearing times with friends and family. God has given me strength through His joy.

What has been even more incredible to see is how He has used this precious human inside of me as a healing tool. The joy I feel now surpasses anything I have experienced the last few years. After years of being in such a “serious” mind set and phase, I had forgotten how to have fun – but now I have my sense of humour back, my joy, words of encouragement for people around me and less frustration towards situations. I now have the words I have been missing for the past 4 years — and I am telling you, it is quite amazing.

I am no longer crying out to God saying “Lord, why me? Where am I? Why do I feel so lost?” but I am not crying out “Lord, I want MORE. I feel your healing, I see your works in me and I feel so overwhelmed that you have chosen this little pineapple to bring such profound healing to my heart and soul.”

I would have N E V E R thought that The Lord would use pregnancy in such a deep way in my life. Throughout the years I had such a fear of pain and the whole birthing scenario. It was a legit, huge burden on my shoulders. Births were happening all around me and I was so fearful to hear how things went or details from our midwife friends. Oh my gosh, just thinking about it I just see so much fear and pain inside me. I have no idea  where it came from but what I do know is that the Lord brought healing and I think a big part of His healing process with me was through my amazing husband who is going to be such a great Dad!!! (I am seriously way more excited to see him as a father than anything else regarding our future with this child).

Ibrahim was so patient with me. We both wanted to wait a few years before having children but he may have been ready for it a few months before me. God had given us dreams of this baby. Yes —this specific baby; and let me just tell you this :

We couldn’t be more thrilled. Through dreams of the birth process, from Ibrahim dreaming of having this little one by our bedside crawling around and finally to others dreaming of this little one. The Lord has been preparing us, speaking to us about His future warrior. There are so many more details I could give but although this is a sweet part of the story, it isn’t what the post is suppose to be about.

The moral of this story is that Our God heals and He does not forget where you are or how you are doing. He is in the midst of it all. We may ask for instant healing and although there is nothing wrong with that, I definitely am thankful that my healing process has been a journey. It has lead me to much more appreciation for everything He has carried me through and hearing multiple people receive words about how The Lord has seen our suffering through something so invisible to the eye of this world has such a significance in my life.

THIS is why I am even more excited about our time in Canada. I will be coming back a different person. I will be coming back with a new and improved me. Although I know the enemy will try and test me in this, I know that  my Father is greater and His love and healing is everlasting and no one can take that away. I am alive in Him and no death can hinder His works in me. God has already defeated the enemy and constantly reminds us of that through our personal battles.

I just want to finish off this post by saying that The Lord see’s your anxiety, your depression, your struggles with mental health. He has not forgotten you. Hold on tight and let Him carry you through it. There is a wonderful scene waiting for you at the end of this journey. Go to Him with your pain and let Him love you throughout your weakest moments. It’s true that when you are in such a state of mind, it’s hard to feel His love as we are so focused on the ending process of healing but I promise you that He will give you glimpses of what He is doing, how He is protecting you and how much He has been showing you His love all along this journey. I will be fighting with you through prayer, pushing back the enemy’s schemes leading to blindness of what Our Heavenly Father is doing. He is there and is working! He loves you, He really does.